In my last blog post Tolkien and Me, I linked to my old fanfiction.net profile. I did this off-hand without looking at the fics that I had posted there. It was only when a friend of mine read the article and gleefully clicked on the link did I even think about peeking.
So I’m going to admit something. Once upon a time I wrote LOTR fanfiction and it was gloriously horrid.
Now, for your viewing pleasure I will post the first chapters of one of my masterpieces with newly added commentary. Enjoy.
The Fellowship Goes to the Zoo
Chapter One: Too the Zoo
Disclaimer: I own nothing of the wonderful Lord of the Rings. << Ahh my obsession is showing
Author’s Note: Wow, I haven’t touched any of my fanfictions in a long time. I plan on finishing them, << turns out to be a lie but I think I’ll fix up the chapters I have first. I’ve realized that there are loop holes and the spelling and grammar is something a four year old might write. So, here is the updated and edited Chapter One of The Fellowship Goes to the Zoo
The Fellowship Goes to the Zoo
It was a beautiful day; a perfect day to go to The Zoo. Gandalf was driving. Legolas was singing. <<Why? Boromir examining the sun-tan-lotion that Legolas wanted all of them to wear. All the hobbits other than Sam were listening to their CD Players. <<because this was written in those dark ages before iPods They each were singing along to their music causing a lot of useless noise in the back. Sam was looking out the window watching the other cars zip past.
“Gandalf, can we move any faster?” Sam asked.
“Don’t rush him.” Gimli answered. “You remember the last time, when we were going to be late for the movies?”
Sam quickly shut up. That was one of the memories he always tried to forget. The Fellowship had wanted to go see the “New Lord of the Rings The Fellowship of the Ring Movie” <<Am I trying to be meta? When they realized that they had bought tickets for the wrong screen time, Gandalf picked up the pace. Thus it resulted in an ugly car crash and a raise in their insurance. << Fairly specific there. Did I even understand what insurance was or how it worked when I wrote this? Sam shuddered, that had not been a fun time; they hadn’t even seen the movie! <<Because that was the priority
Gandalf the White, was the oldest and extremely tired. So that really slowed him down. When he wanted to move fast, disaster was just waiting with a smile on it’s face. He could never admit this to anyone. To try and hide his problems he cut small corners to try and make life easier. <<My God that’s depressing By driving slowly his chance of a car crash was lessened. The only thing he did not notice was how obvious his problem was.
Boromir looked over at their Old Guide, then his attention returned to the sun screen that Legolas wanted all of them to wear. He groaned. Legolas seemed to have taken the job of running the Fellowship over. It was getting rather annoying; all the power seemed to be going to his head. He had never worn sunscreen in his life; he was not going to start now. <<Boromir is clearly a big boy.
Gimli was chattering loudly again. The only person who seemed to be paying attention to him was Legolas. No one knew how he managed to do this double tasking, but it was appreciated. Out of the entire Fellowship, Legolas seemed to be the only one who left without his patience being completely shot. <<Do I sense favouritism? Without his peace of mind, the Fellowship probably wouldn’t be able to go on these little outings.
Aragorn had a bright smile on his face; which meant his ear plugs were in. Being the King of Gondor had been the biggest mistake he had made in his life (or so he would tell people). It turned out that living with an elf for a wife was not as easy as it looked. Not to forget how hard it was to run a company. That had been enough trouble and noise for any man to deal with. Now when ever he went on trip he brought his ear plugs. He relied on Legolas (who heard everything) to tell him if anything important was said. << I guess this is me trying to give Aragorn an excuse to be hanging out with all the members of the Fellowship. But why haven’t I done that for everyone else?
Sam yawned and stretched. “He accidentally knocked Pippin’s CD player out of his hand. The CD Player crashed to the ground. Pippin watched in horror as the back fell off and the batteries fell out. << This was always traumatic when it happened.
Sam what’da do that for?” Pippin asked. He was really upset. “That was my favourite song!”
“I didn’t mean to Pip! It was an accident!” <<This is riveting dialouge Sam yelled. He wanted the other hobbits to here, and on top of that their hearing must be pretty bad from listening to blaring music twenty-for seven.
Legolas stopped his singing and silenced Gimli. He turned around and looked at the Merry, Pippin and Sam giving them his perfected disgusted look. The three hobbits froze and shut up. Legolas was nice and all, but could be really scary. << I think I’m going for a common characterization of Legolas at this time. The extremely controlled micro-manager. It makes me wonder how this came about. He never showed any of these characteristics in the books or films… None of the Hobbits wanted to cross him, especially since they were all confined into the van. << These little offhand sentences sound like they would make better stories. I can see it now. Legolas murders the entire fellowship. IN A VAN.
A few minutes passed and there was utter silence. This amazed Legolas and he tapped Aragorn’s shoulder. Aragorn took out his ear plugs. He expected it was something of importance, so he braced himself and pulled out his ear plugs. <<Mentioned that twice now. Clearly it must have been important.
“Holy crap! I’m deaf!” Aragorn screamed. << This was my payoff?
“You’re not deaf; you’re just experiencing actual quiet.” Legolas whispered. << WHY ARE YOU WHISPERING?
For the rest of the car ride The Fellowship was extremely quiet. At least Aragorn was happy
Well, clearly I’ve come a long way as a writer. This wasn’t AS painful as I expected it to be, but man it’s NOT pretty. Can I convince myself to keep reading or should I just bury these words under piles of regret? Only time will tell.